Is she or isn't she?

A friend of mine told me yesterday about a Love and Logic series of seminars at our local library that she was going to attend, starting tonight. I've heard of the Love and Logic books, and I've been curious about them, so I thought I might want to go, too. But when I went to the library website to try and find out a little bit more about it, I found that there was an Asperger's support group meeting tonight at the same time at a different library. That caught my eye because of Bethany. It's been suggested a couple of times before that she has Asperger's, and after her failed kindergarten entrance tests about a year and a half ago, I even brought it up to a pediatrician. They ran her through a basic autism exam, decided she was not autistic, and told me she was probably just a late bloomer. I've not been able to let go of the thought, though. For years now it's plagued me. Not constantly or anything, but every time Bethany does something a little odd, or that just doesn't feel quite right, I start fretting again. Nate says it's just my anxieties, and he really isn't worried at all, but I just can't get past wondering if she is or isn't. I'd already decided about a week ago to pursue having her tested, and then I saw this support group listed online. I felt like I needed to go.

Nate came home a bit early from work so that I would be able to make it. The group was listed as starting at 6:30pm. I got there and the room was dark and empty. I started to wonder if anyone else was going to show up. The Love and Logic seminar started at 7:00, but much further north. I decided to wait until 6:45, and then try to make it to the Love and Logic. A few minutes before my deadline, a few people started showing up. Apparently, the group had reserved the room starting at 6:30, so they'd have time to set up, but the actual meeting didn't start until 7:00. There was quite a turnout, maybe 30 people. Many of them were adults who had Asperger's themselves, and most of the rest had children with Asperger's.

I honestly didn't know that much about Asperger's before the meeting, except that it is a form of autism, but not as severe. When I'd tried to find specific symptoms before, I got frustrated because there is such a wide range, so it's difficult to pin down. I get the feeling that it's still a relatively new thing--at least, people are still learning about it. One mom there said when her son was diagnosed, she realized that she had it herself. The majority of the people there had only recently been diagnosed or were still in the diagnosis process. I was impressed at how relatively normal many of them seemed. Many had gone to college and gotten married. Of course, just the fact that they were there means they were some of the higher functioning ones, though.

When Asperger's was first suggested to me, I admit I had a bit of a meltdown over it. Not where anyone could see, but I pretty much cried the whole afternoon. It's difficult to pin down why, but there was a lot of denial there, the not-my-child attitude. I'd worked a bit with some handicapped children, including a severely autistic child, in high school, and I'd always felt that I would never be able to handle an autistic child. So to have it suggested to me that my precious daughter, my firstborn, was somehow damaged, was pretty traumatic. I didn't do much about it that first time.

But things just didn't seem to add up with Bethany. She wasn't quite like other children her age, even though it's been hard for me to pinpoint, since she is my first and I'm not around many other kids her age, so it's hard for me to compare, or know what is "normal". So when it was suggested to me the second time, I decided to go ahead and bring it up with the doctor. That's when we got the autism test. Asperger's isn't like regular autism, though. It's much more subtle, so I can concievably believe that she could have a negative autism test, but test positive for Asperger's.

Even after attending tonight, I'm not convinced that that's what she has. The things people talked about tonight sounded familiar, but much less intense that what I deal with. For example, many of their kids have a difficult time with new situations and people. They don't transition well. That is kind of true of Bethany, but she's much better at it than she used to be. Last year when she started preschool at a new school, I was extremely worried about her adapting to the new school. This year with kindergarten, I took her to meet her teacher and see her classroom at a back to school night, and I also accompanied her to school the first day (all the parents did), and then I didn't worry anymore. You can't just throw her into a new situation, but with a bit of warning, she's okay. I've been telling her already when kindergarten is going to end, and that in August she'll be at the same school, but in first grade. At first she was resistant to the idea, but now she's getting used to it. It sounded to me tonight like the other parents have a much harder time with that. One mom is homeschooling her son rather than send him to middle school, because she doesn't think he'll be able to handle the constant change of teachers and subjects. I think Bethany will be able to adapt by that age.

I also got a long list of books and websites to look at to get more information. There are a couple of books written by adults with Asperger's and how they've dealt with things over their lives that I want to read. Even if none of it specifically applies to Bethany, I think they'll make interesting reads.

I think the greatest benefit I got out of tonight, though, is the sense that if Bethany actually is diagnosed with Asperger's, that it won't be the sentence of doom that I once felt it would be. She won't automatically be barred from a good life, unable to attend college or hold a job or get married and have a family. I saw so many people who were completely functional, even if they did have difficulties that other adults don't have. And that's okay, because we all have some trials in life. Some just have bigger trials than others.

I also had a very long talk with Nate later after I got home. I found out more of the reasons why he isn't so worried. It's because he sees many of her behaviors in himself, like the inability to sit still, and the lack of desire to talk, for starters, and he turned out just fine. I think some of those things bother me more, because I don't think that way. It was a very good discussion, one that helped me understand him a bit better, too.

So while I still plan to have Bethany tested, just to put the question to rest once and for all, I'm pretty at peace with it now. I'd like to find better ways to help her learn and grow, and deal with life, but I suppose that's true of my other children as well. She may have some more difficulties, but she's a very sweet, loving individual. She's my child and I love her no matter what.